SCHNEIDERMAN: THE REAL OBAMA JUST STOOD UP
LENORE SKENAZY'S WEBSITE IS FreeRangeKid.com. She's also known by child rearing experts as the world's worse mom who is really a very traditional parent who dares to be parentally incorrect. Good for her.
Needless to say, I like what she's advocating which, by the way, is not negligence.
It's about giving our kids---and ourselves---the space they need---and we had growing up--- to breath, grow, learn, fail and handle consequences without everything being such a big, major ordeal frought with fear upon fear.
Helicoptering makes parents crazy and children neurotic and overly fearful.
I wonder what's behind this obsession with safety, parents clearing every obstacle for our children so their lives might be perfect. In other words, giving children a massive dose unreality.
Risk is inherent in all of life and attempting to remove it is a losing proposition sooner or later. Trying to keep kids pain free is another. That's why contact sports for boys is a great way to grow them up into rough and tumble guys who can take a hit and roll with the punches of life. Girls need to become emotionally resilient too and physically tough, being able to take winning with losing, acceptance with rejection, learning to roll with the punches of life without withdrawing from life and relationships.
Here's a link to a terrific post on letting children quit and how it isn't always a disaster after all.
Friday, October 5, 2012
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6 comments:
This is important stuff. Let the child hang from the tree. Let the child scrape themselves and bleed; even break their arm. It is learning, as learning is designed to occur.
And let the child lose. For gosh sakes: let the child lose. I coached 9 youth sports teams. The best occasions for learning were the losses. Youth sports are about 1. fun of playing the sport, and 2. preparation for later life. A loss includes both 1. fun of play during the game, and 2. preparation for later life. Losses, in youth sports, are wonderful occasions.
Second, Free Range Parenting is about trusting in a Higher Power, as opposed to strictly trusting in yourself. To some extent, Helicopter Parents betray a lack of faith in any protective power beyond themselves.
Third, Free Range Parenting is about math. Modern Americans do not understand the math which represents the risk. Its a math equation: I either accept a 1 in 500K risk that my child will get snatched, and therefore I allow my child to mature as a person, or I refuse to accept a 1 in 500k risk, and I raise a neurotic and fearful child. Thats the math. Americans do not comprehend the math.
I see the same thing, for instance, in conversations between atheists and Christians re the Fine Tuning Argument for Christianity, and re Evolution. Atheists do not comprehend the ridiculousness of the odds which must be beaten in order for the universe to be fine tuned in a way which allows for life, and in order for a single cell to have evolved into human beings. The odds are so great as to be ... insane to believe that we beat those odds in order for the universe to be fine tuned to allow for life, and in order for a single cell to have evolved into man. It is simply insane. Atheists willfully refuse to squarely face the math.
And, maybe, helicopter parents, also, for their own reasons (fear to face up to the truth that pain and difficult circumstances are going to happen to every living being?), willfully refuse to squarely face up to the math (which, before one could face up to the math, one would have to implicitly face up to the truth about the inevitability of pain? Speculation. But it is not speculation that Helicopter parents refuse to face up to the math). Maybe.
BTW: I have begun to notice a widespread trend of helicopter dog owners. Again, I suspect the source is a widespread psychological clinging to the possibility of utopia; a psychological clinging to a utopian dream that pain and difficulty are not inevitable.
Greg, you've so nailed it with both comments. While the odds are infintessimal of something bad happening and odds huge of something good happening, especially if it involves learning and even falling down, parents seem to insist on the illusion of complete control and elimimation of all risks...talk about a quick way to go truly insane.
Dog owners the same...it's having that relationship to depend on and having something you're completely in control of in a world which you/we simply can't control at all.
Thank you for your keen observations here as always.
P.S. Remember the Gospel including the story of God creating the earth and everything in the universe---instead of it happending by chance---is foolishness to those who are perishing--- Paul in 1 Corinthians 1:18.
I really like when you talk about parenting issues. :) Totally agree with you, although the pressure is intense to do otherwise, even with 6-month-olds. At this age the pressure I feel is to be with them constantly. I always feel like if I'm not with my babies 100% of the time the mom police are frowning. But that's impossible with twins, plus is it right to totally lose who I am for them? Or is it better to get out of the house for a hike or a date with my husband occasionally? I definitely think the latter, and the kids don't seem to be suffering for it...
Hi K, You're doing fine. Important thing is not to raise these precious twins in constant fear. Do all you can do, and as Greg says above, keep putting them in God's hands which is where they and their destinies really are anyway.
Know P and S are having a wonderful time on their cruise! xx
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