Monday, March 12, 2018

President Trump's Remarks At the Gridiron Recently


Thank you all very much. Melania and I are thrilled to be here. It’s been another calm and quiet week at the White House. We finally have it running like a fine-tuned machine. 

I know the Gridiron is an old tradition in Washington and one that’s important to many of you in the media—so I was very excited for the invitation to come here and spoil it in person.

My staff was concerned heading into this dinner that I couldn’t do self-deprecating humor. I told them not to worry—nobody does self-deprecating better than me. 

They told me my remarks tonight should be something like a late-night routine. So in preparation, I did what any good late-night comic does these days—I called Chuck Schumer to ask him for talking points.

Mike Pence is doing a fantastic job as our Vice President—or as I call him, the Apprentice.

He’s showing a particularly keen interest in the news these days. He starts out each morning asking, “Has he been impeached yet?”

It’s great to see Attorney General Sessions here tonight. The truth is I have some thoughts for Jeff that are best shared in private. Which is why I will be posting them on Twitter later this evening.

It’s also nice to see Jake Tapper from CNN. He recently said that the “job of the press is not to be liked.” Jake, mission accomplished.

As I’m sure you’ve seen, we are now riding high in the polls. The numbers are looking really good. A lot of people said I wouldn’t be able to do so well after losing my chief strategist. But somehow, we’re still doing great, even without Omarosa. 

The unfortunate thing about tonight is that no matter how well I do, no matter how amazing my jokes—I could be even better than Bob Hope, and you’ll all write stories titled, “In First Gridiron Speech, Trump fails to mention Russia.” I’ve also steered clear of the bar area—I don’t need stories headlined "Trump spotted at bar with white Russians." 

I do enjoy gatherings like these that give me the chance to socialize with members of the opposition party. And it’s also great to see some Democrats here too.

I know New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu feels right at home in Washington.  Coming from Louisiana, he’s used to being in a swamp. Mitch, while you’re here in our nation’s capital, I only have one request: Please don’t touch the statues.

I thought my State of the Union Address was very good. In fact, Louis Gutierrez was so overcome with emotion, he had to leave the chamber. I probably could have found a way to get the Democrats to stand and applaud, but I decided not to include a salute to Fidel Castro. 

I’ve been watching Nancy Pelosi lately, acting like she’s some sort of Populist. She’s worth more than $100 million. We all know you can’t be a real populist unless you’re worth at least $10 billion.

You also have to have the right kind of ideas—ideas like DRAIN THE SWAMP, LOCK HER UP, and BUILD THE WALL. Nancy has been trying out some new ideas of her own. But MOW THE GRASS doesn’t pack the same punch. 

I was hoping we’d see Adam Schiff tonight.  He was going to come until he heard there were no cameras.

Adam is constantly on TV pushing the absurd idea that I want to undermine democracy. But I have great respect for the four branches of government: The Executive, the Legislative, the Judicial, and Fox and Friends.      
There’s talk about Joe Biden getting into the race in 2020.  Give me a break.  A guy who keeps making outrageous statements thinks he has a shot at being president?

I hear a lot about the Dreamers.  I have nothing against them.  The Democrats can dream all they want about winning in 2020.

Oprah says she’ll run only if she gets the go-ahead from the Almighty. Alright, Oprah—go, ahead.

I will say, Elizabeth Warren has a unique plan for how to ease world tensions—sitting down with the leaders of Iran and North Korea and smoking a peace pipe.

I have been asked if I'd be willing to smooth things over with our adversaries by making a trip to a hostile country.  Yes—I'll be visiting California very soon.

I don't rule out direct talks with Kim Jong Un in North Korea.  As far as having o deal with a madman is concerned -- that's his problem.

In fact, General Kelly is one tough cookie and he’s doing an amazing job. He even tells me he’s going to let Jared and Ivanka visit me in the Oval Office on my birthday.

That reminds me: I want to apologize for the slight delay in getting started this evening. Jared had some trouble getting through security.

There’s been a lot of discussion about Jared’s clearance. To be honest, it’s not a big deal. You don’t think I had a thorough background check done before I let him marry my daughter?

Many people have asked how my time as a reality TV host prepared me for the Presidency. The truth is, there’s very little overlap between the two. In one job, I had to manage a cut-throat cast of characters desperate for TV time, totally unprepared for their roles, and each week afraid of being fired. In the other job, I was the host of a smash-hit reality TV show. 

Well, I better wrap up-- I have to be up early tomorrow. Fox and Friends comes on at six. 

This was a beautiful dinner, and I will say the wait staff was very helpful. When they put down my plate, the waiter asked, “Mr. President, do you want fries and 12 Diet Cokes to go with that?”

I do want to say this is one of the best times I can ever remember having with the media. This might be the most fun since watching your faces on election night.

In all seriousness, it truly has been a wonderful evening. It has also been an opportunity for us to pause and remember how privileged we are to be here. All of us are temporary players in two of the great traditions of American life: a free press, and a representative government. For America to be strong, we need each of those traditions to be great and worthy of the people’s trust. So whether we work in the halls of government or in the newsroom, let us strive to embody the best of these historic traditions and to serve the nation that we all love so much.

Thank you and GOODNIGHT.
Thanks Judy for sending! Classic Trump.

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