Some Days It's More Important to Comment Than Blog: My Comment at Dr. Helen's

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This is my comment today at Dr. Helen's regarding Mary Winkler, the woman who shot her pastor husband Matt in Selmer, Tennessee last year. Helen's post entitled "Kill Your Husband---Get a House and a Car" on Mary and under the label "rewarding cruelty with kindness" is here. I have more to say on Mary Winkler later, but for now, I've posted this comment. I hope it speaks for itself.

BTW, no comments will be published for this post. Go to Helen's post if you want to comment, since mine is merely a response to her and her commenters.

(I want to say as an aside that I am personally crazy about Helen Smith. Think she is tops in every way, and in her own right. However on this issue I do strongly disagree.)

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Me to Helen and her new (rightouesly indignant) American male victim readers:

"It seems you have a new constituency here--of abused men---who are awfully quick to automatically judge. And you are building your own readership on this premise ---that men are historically just as abused as women---which is certainly your right.

"But I disagree with the angry, self-righteous tone and tenor of most of the comments herewith, except for Richard, who is being excoriated for having a different perspective.

"None of us can know what really goes on behind the scenes of a marriage. Murder is wrong and no one disputes that for a minute. But some murders are wronger than others.....at least in my world. Moral relativism would say I'm crazy, and murder is murder---PERIOD. So be it.

"You seem to be saying that Mary shouldn't have tried to defend herself in court and that there were no extinuating circumstances. You also seem to be saying that now that Mary is out of incarceration that she should be wandering alongside some road, without a car or home---getting her just desserts--permanently separated from her children. Vengeance should rain down on her, and the jury verdict was totally unfair.

Was it really? And can you know that for sure? I can't.

"I don't believe we can ever know what's it's like being in a marriage where you give up selfhood, career, money and destiny to a man and a church---because that's what you're told you must do as a minister's wife in the Church of Chrust---life without parole so to speak.

"I don't think Mary considered divorce as an option for herself, because that's what she grew up being taught. That was incorrect, of course, but it does mitigate the horrific tension that led to the murder of Matthew.

"My hometown has taken Mary in because she and Matt lived there---where he was a youth pastor for several years---before moving to Selmer. I can tell you that many of Matt's younger students at the church he was the youth pastor, disliked him intensely and few were surprised by what happened.

""That still doesn't make his murder right. Mary should have left him. However, it does make the concept of mercy viable in an atheistic worldview that calls for justice, justice, justice for the sake of the now, new victim du jour...the man! It's justice without mercy.

"We're all victims, and we're all perpetrators in some form or fashion. And when we so summarily pass such strong emotional judgment then it looks and sounds and feels to me like a whole lot of projection is going on......"

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Helen back to me in the comments of her post:

"Webutante,

"My question back to you is, if the circumstance were such that Mary was Michael with a wife who was critical and "intensely" disliked, would you say that he should get off? Because that is what happened. This woman walked away from a murder rap--would you say it's okay for a man to do the same to his wife--shoot her in the back when she is asleep. I have known many wives in my time who have been horrible spouses, as bad or much worse than Matthew Winkler is described as, if they were shot dead in their sleep, would you be so nonchalant in your attitude towards their murderer? And shower them with a house and a car? "

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Me back to Helen later in the day:

Helen, let me say:

1) I NEVER said that Mary should have gotten off from jail time for murdering her husband. Where ever did you get that idea? If it had been left up to me, I would have indeed sent her to jail for some years.

2)I NEVER said either that murder is justifiable, especially as a way to deal with a bad marriage. Where ever did you get that idea? Murder is wrong, period. Whether Mary knew what she was getting into when she married Matt, or not, murder was in no way justified.

I might add, though, that many people, including myself, think that abortion is a form of murder, even though society now condones it through our laws. One of your commenters said, "Mary knew full well what she was getting in to when she married him." I wonder if he would say the same about the millions of women who had sex and then realized they were pregnant after the fact. Didn't they know what they were getting into on the front end? They get off the hook and get to rechoose. Nevertheless, I accept the law of the land. But there does seem to be a big double standard here.

3) My comment was addressing the reality: Mary Winkler did get off after a jury trail.

She and her case went through due process of law, not a perfect process by any means, but it's the best we have in this country. The verdict can always be appealed.

My comments addressed how a jury in a small town might find their way to this verdict. I was saying, frankly I can understand how they came to their verdict. They had to balance justice with mercy in my opinion. And the verdict they rendered is the reality we have, like it or not. You clearly do not like it.

4) As to your rhetorical question about how I would respond to your commenter Richard being murdered:

If it were such a simple answer, without a discovery process and due process, I couldn't know. If such an answer were so obvious and easy, then we do we need juries or judges (all imperfect to say the least)? We could just plug your question into a big judicial computer and get the right answer: JUSTICE.

5) Everyone I know who has ever gone through a difficult divorce---and I know you are blessed not to have--- can honestly say when they hear about a murder like this, if they're really, really honest can say, "But by the grace of God go I."

What I am saying is but by the Grace of God I am not in a federal pen somewhere myself, or dead; and but by the Grace of God my erstwhile husband isn't in a federal pen or dead The emotions of an explosive divorce are, to say the least, murderous at times. It can be hell.

Only if you've been there, lived through it, and can ever look back and shake your head at both of your craziness, can you have a little more gracious and generous opinion about the Winkler murder. Only if you've been there can you know that both people are culpable in that murder, as is the case in every divorce.

I don't expect you to agree. But I do want to say, that life has knocked me off my self-righteous pedestal just a bit. And since the jury in the Winkler case has spoken, I shall not cast any more stones.